Come One, Come All! Fanfiction Rules!
by ChocolateChipSurprise
Summary: Don't click unless you have a sense of humor. This is a joke. There is pretty strong language. Like the F word, kids. Also, mentionings of sex, but not detailed. And, seriously? Write what you want. Again, this is a JOKE.
1. Chapter 1

**Come One, Come All! Harry Potter Fanfiction- For The Everyday Dumbass. **

Okay, people, these are my rules. Don't like them, suck it up, I'm not in the mood. Don't come whining to me because you don't have good taste in stories.

1- Under no circumstances should Hermione get a serious head-turning makeover. That's WHY people love her, she's plain, not jaw-dropping.

2- That being said, Hermione should never become evil. The idea of her being Voldemort's daughter (or 'whoreMione') is very, very overused. Get over it.

3- Harry is NOT AN ANIMAGUS. 3a- Neither is Hermione, for that matter. Or Ron. Or Neville.

4- Draco Malfoy is NOT a sex god. I don't care how many people say he's slept with the whole school. He's most likely still a fumbling virgin. Wouldn't know.

5- Hermione is not in love with Snape. Or Remus. Or Sirius. Or Voldemort. Or Harry. (You're delusional if you think so.)

6- Ron Weasley doesn't constantly say "bloody Hell" even though it looks like it in the movies.

7- If you're going to use characters, know how to spell their damn names. For your dignity's sake. Please.

8- House Elves do NOT make good sex characters, especially when being paired with humans. That, my friend, is twisted.

9- Hagrid should never, ever become naked. Ever. Ew.

10- Lucius Malfoy should never try to kill his son.

10a- Lucius should never try to have sex with his son. Because his son is a virgin.

10b- Lucius should not try to have sex with his son's friends, male or female. (Lucius is married, his wife's a Death Eater bitch... She'd say something to him.)

11- For fuck's sake, Narcissa is a Death Eater, too! SHE IS NOT A GOOD MOTHER! Remember, she married Lucius.

12- As mentioned many times, you can't Apparate on Hogwarts grounds.

13- Fred and George do not come back to school.

14- For that matter, I doubt _Fleur_ would WANT to come back to Hogwarts. I believe she's perfectly content living in her own school until she graduates.

15- As much as I very much hate saying it, Hermione's going to end up with Ron. Face it. There were anvil-sized hints.

16- Ginny is NOT a sextoy.

17- Ginny's not constantly a bitch.

18- Ginny's not constantly perfect, either.

18a- Just leave Ginny alone, dammit!

19- Hermione's a good girl.

20- Face it. Neville's not going to make the Quidditch team.

21- Draco's not going to magically teach Hermione to get over her fear of heights. In the movie, she mentioned she didn't _like_ flying. Never said she was afraid of it. I think she's already proved she's not afraid of it.

22- Death Eaters are in NO WAY FLUFFY OR HAPPY. They do not think of roaming, hopping bunnies and wild, free horsies in a field.

23- Crabbe and Goyle are stupid, but not THAT stupid.

24- Pansy's not stupid, either. They wouldn't have made it into Slytherin if they were.

25- That being said, Pansy is not a clinging, desperate, skanky whore. She probably has her pride. Leave her alone.

26- I repeat: DRACO IS NOT A SEX GOD!

27- Pansy does not go around calling Draco cute names like "Drakie-poo." She just has a crush, she's not obsessed.

28- Draco does not have sex with Pansy and then ditch her to later on in the story decide he loves her. Or later on decide he loves Hermione.

29- Fanfics based on movies, such as The Parent Trap... Sorry, but they're cheesy and lame.

30- Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters suddenly being transported to Hogwarts to teach subjects? I repeat, lame.

30a- Hermione _becoming_ a Slayer is even worse than previous idea.

30b- I highly doubt Hermione would fall in love and have sex with a vampire. She's not stupid.

31- I doubt Hermione would have sex at all, for that matter, until she's married.

32- It's a SCHOOL. I don't think people have sex in it. Sure, kissing, hugging, holding hands... There has to be a Hogwarts handbook _somewhere_.

33- Do not make the trio into sluts. Especially Hermione. It's not Ho!Mione.

34- Having characters suddenly look absolutely stunning, coming back from their summer vacation is overused. Very overused.

35- Sex scenes are cheesy. Most of them, anyway.

36- Okay, if you _do_ have characters having sex, make it somewhere private, not in the Common Room, a broom shed, or in the hallway.

37- Also, before the characters do have sex, make sure they're not in 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or 5th year. At_least _sixteen and over, please.

38- Set the damn date. I don't want to be thinking they're in seventh year when they're in fourth.

39- Sirius is not going to sleep with Harry. That's pretty damn twisted, in my opinion.

40- That being said, _Remus_ is not going to sleep with Harry.

41- Teacher/Student relationships aren't working.

42- You will never be magically transported to Hogwarts. Face it.

43- Draco is not a sex god. (Hey, knew I'd say it at some point.)

44- Quidditch does not 'do wonders' for people. Especially Seekers.

45- Hermione will never magically see Draco in a whole new light. Or anyone else, for that matter.

46- Having transfer students is a no-no, unless you explain why and it's a _good_ explanation. Chances are, it's not a good explanation.

47- "Hi, Harry! I'm Angel Crystal Rose Granger! Hermione's sister that never really made it to the books! We're meant to be together! It's in a prophecy!" is NOT a good thing to put in your story.

48- Don't use all of your favorite names combined to make a character name. The idea of it is stupid.

49- Do not leave people hanging at something big happening and then go to a week later and not tell what happened.

50- More than two flashbacks in a chapter is just stupid. Make a different story telling what happened if you have to, just no more than two flashbacks.

51- Just because I said that, do not make two very loooooong flashbacks, lasting from the beginning of the page, to the last paragraph.

52- A person's body and hair does not take a page to describe. Not even if you're doing it limb by limb.

Oh _yeah_. There's more.

53- Do not write fanfiiction while high, drunk, or overhyper. Suger and fanfiction are nonmixy things. Deal with it.

54- Draco Malfoy, the not Sex God, probably will not defy or kill his father for Hermione, Harry, Ron... Or anyone else for that matter.

55- Slytherins are not going to be reSorted into Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, or Ravenclaw. In otherwords, they're Slytherins. For good.

56- Now that's said, Gryffindors will never be Slytherins.

57- Harry doesn't have a twin. Harry doesn't have siblings.

58- James and Lily are dead. That's why Harry's alive.

59- Hermione does not have a sister. Maybe in the future, if you explain what happened... But that can lead to cheesyness.

60- Hogwarts has uniforms for a reason. Students are not going to go to class in jeans and a tanktop. Where the _Hell_ is that handbook?...

61- I've only read ONE good fic where students are turned to little kids, and that was IcyPanther's "Parenting Class." I doubt you're IcyPanther...

62- In otherwords, no magically changing into 5 year olds.

63- Having a fic involve Goyle and/or Crabbe in deep, intelligent conversation with anyone needs to be deleted or edited. Now.

64- Hermione is not a sex slave.

65- I doubt Ginny would be stupid enough to write in yet _another_ diary that writes back. Get real.

66- Ginny has not slept with everyone in the school. She's been caught kissing about two or three times, and that's not sex. In otherwords, Ginny is NOT a Sex Goddess.

66a- In fact, leave the Sex Goddess thing to Aphrodite.

67- I don't care if it's in the point of view of a teacher. Dumbledore, Hagrid, or any other teacher should NOT be described as 'sexy.'

67a- Especially in the point of view of a student. Ew.

68- Dumbledore does not know everything.

69- Harry and Cho aren't getting back together. Face it.

70- Slash can be _very_ good, but don't over do it.

71- Some pairings are just wrong. For example, Hermione/Dobby, Harry/Dumbledore, Ron/McGonagall... About the Hermione/Dobby thing, see number 8.

72- Lucius is in no way fluffy. He's a Death Eater.

73- Lucius does not have students at school working for him to make sure Draco doesn't date a Mudblood, a Half-Blood, or a Weasley. In other words, he doesn't give a damn who Draco dates. Or sleeps with. But DRACO ISN'T A FUCKING SEX GOD!

74- Blaise is not Draco's best friend.

74- Pansy is most likely Draco's girlfriend. Read book six. His head was in her lap, she was stroking his hair... _More_ anvil-sized hints.

75- Hermione is probably not going to be a Divination teacher.

76- X-Men/Harry Potter crossovers are just plain _dumb_.

77- Harry, Hermione, Ron, Draco, or anyone else probably isn't going to take Polyjuice Potion for _fun_.

78- Lilo and Stitch coming to Hogwarts in search of an alien-thing... Idiotic. Very idiotic.

79- Hermione should, under no circumstances, be called Herman. Trust me, I've seen it in a fanfic.

80- Smallville at Hogwarts, no-no. However, I have read ONE good crossover with Smallville, but that was with a certain someone coming through Lex's fireplace because the Floo Network was a little- Oh, nevermind. Just forget the Smallville/Hogwarts idea.

81- Harry's not a vampire.

81a- Neither is Hermione or Ron.

82- People usually _don't_ call Defense Against the Dark Arts "DADA."

83- Defense Against the Dark Arts new teachers are usually Mary Sues.

84- SPOILER- Face it, in 7th year, Draco and Snape just aren't going to be there.

85- Traveling by Floo Powder while having sex isn't a good idea. (Yes, it's been done.)

86- There are no televisions, radios, or computers at Hogwarts.

87- Hermione and Draco meeting on the internet is pretty stupid.

89- Please, don't take your mental issues out on the characters. Seek help.

90- Don't make stupid fanfics. Like, "A Hundred Ways To Annoy Voldemort."

91- Hermione should never act like she has permenant PMS.

92- Hermione and Draco were never friends when they were little. Hermione had no knowledge of the Wizarding World, Draco's parents hated Muggles... I doubt they would meet.

93- There are no lights at Hogwarts. There're windows, fireplaces, and lanterns. No lights.

94- Hermione is not a Pureblood.

95- I don't care what you say, Hermione is not adopted.

96- Face it, saying "I suck at summaries, just read it," isn't going to make people want to read your story. If you suck at summaries, you're most likely going to suck at the story.

97- Misspelled words are really starting to get on my nerves. Spell-check, look into it.

98- Fics where Draco and Hermione "break their wands and go live in the Muggle world" are just stupid. Get over it.

99- I really doubt Harry's going to live in the Muggle world any longer than he has to.

100- There's no electricity at Hogwarts. So the idea of lights, computers, or cell phones? Nuh-uh.

101- Draco Malfoy does not have a "trademark smirk." A smirk is a _smirk_.

102- People do not taste of strawberries and/or chocolate when you kiss them, unless they just ate strawberries and/or chocolate. It's just unnatural.

103- This one applies to all fanfics. Wanna use the word "goosebumps?" NOT CAPITALIZED UNLESS AT BEGINNING OF SENTENCE. Sure, it's the name of that stupid book series, but you're not talking about the series.

104- Draco is not really _that_ much taller than Hermione.

105- Taking a leaf out of Dethryl's book: Some of these rules are okay to break, if you're a very good author and break them correctly.

105a- Also, you're probably not a very good author who breaks them correctly.

106- You must read the A/N at the end of this page.

**A/N that was previously mentioned- **Yes, I admit, I got this idea from both Dethryl AND all the stupid people out there. Please, for your own sake, if you have an alarming amount of these rules broken in ANY of your fics, edit them quickly. And if this was amusing and if I get enough reviews (Yay, more anvil-sized hints!) I just might MAKE a Hogwarts handbook. Wouldn't that be fun? Since I had fun with Dethryl's rules to fanfiction and attempted to break the rules, try and do the same with mine. Have a little fun with the few rules there are here and try and break _these_.

**To those who enjoy my more serious work**- I'm actually planning on giving up on fanfiction writing. I've lost my inspiration. These rules were done sometime last YEAR and I'm just getting around to finishing them and posting them. Some author I am... Oh, well. This just may be my last piece. Well, unless I actually DO do a handbook.


	2. AN

Okay, everyone, I've decided to do a whole new set of rules. I've already started and have about a hundred more, and I'm still working on them. I guess the only reason for posting this is to warn you to be on the lookout for more rules. ;)

Thank you SO much for all the reviews of the first set of rules, I love you all!! I will have more detailed notes to the people who reviewed the first set of rules when I post the second set. The only problem right now is that the new rules are on my laptop. When I went to plug my charger into my laptop, it started smoking and sizzling and it turns out some of the wires were sticking out. .

I'll have to wait and get a new charger. It should be here in a couple days, thank GOD! I don't know how much longer I can go, because I have so many more rules to add...

Not only that, but I have been very distracted lately. I just got a new Wii and, well, it's keeping me busy. And I'm moving very, very soon.

And... I'M GONNA DYE MY HAIR _PURPLE_!!! Whee!!

So, yeah.

Be on the lookout for more rules!!!

Much love,

**ChocolateChipSurprise**


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